January 16, 2015

January 16, 2015.

His birthday. His mother's death anniversary. Second day of Pope Francis' Papal Visit here in the Philippines (special non-working holiday)

I grabbed this opportunity to finally have the guts to go to visit him in Cainta. I know he is at home, based on his blogs posted with pictures. My goal for my visit is to talk to him and bring Sophie so he and his folks can see her because it's been a year they haven't seen the kid.

Jitters, cold hands and feet, butterfly in my stomach - it feels like I'm having a job interview.

Tita (Aunt) Winnie and Abby (my cousin) dropped us off at Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall. I thanked them and waved good bye. Sophie and I went to a bakeshop inside the mall, bought cake and went on our way to his home. We ride a jeepney then after 10-15 minutes jeepney ride, we reached the gate of their village then we ride a tricycle (not a kid's tricycle) on the way to their home. As we are on the road, I saw a familiar face. Its Papa Ben (his step dad). I called him, the tricycle we are riding stopped and Papa Ben ride along with us and I make mano (placing one's forehead to an elder's hand) then little chit-chat along the way.

And then, we arrived (my body is shaking).

Papa Ben lead the way. He opened the gate to the compound (His family are living together but living on different houses). I gave the cake to Papa Ben so he can bring it inside their house. I knocked on the first door, Tita (Aunt) Evelyn's house (His Aunt, Tito William's wife). She came out almost screaming and crying like Kamusta na, kayo? Ang tagal nyong nawala. Ang laki laki na ni Sophie. Gustong gusto namin kayo puntahan ni William at Tolits nung Pasko at nung Bagong Taon kaso hindi namin alam yung address nyo ni Sophie. (How are you? It's been a long time. Sophie got bigger. We want to visit you on Christmas and New Year but we don't know what's your address) (I don't know if this is the exact words because everything went to a blur and my body is shaking) Tita Evelyn hug me so tight like she knew I just went through. Then DJ (His cousin, Tito William and Tita Evelyn's son) said hi to us and hug Sophie, Tito (Uncle) (His uncle) William came out and hug me. That was a tear jerking moment but I refrain myself to cry.

After that, we now went to their house. Sophie went in first then me. I saw him. My heart stopped. My whole body is shaking. Gawd! its so cold there all of a sudden. Then he went directly to Sophie. He kissed and hug his daughter and carry her for a long period of time. I saw everybody's reaction. His sister, Tin-Tin, cried watching that touching moment. Kuya Dave (his older brother) went to their room, maybe teary eyed too and me about to cry but I didn't. For that moment, I realize that he loves Sophie. It's just the timing is not good for him, for us. I just let the two catch up, play and goof around. And me? I greeted him since it was his birthday and he reciprocate it with a thank you and smile. I just watched them blissfully play while I'm talking to his sister and step dad.

Kuya Dave ordered fast food for our lunch and cake I brought for dessert. Mi kain ka na (Mi have your lunch) or kain na Mi (Have your lunch Mi), I don't which he said to me but it surely sends a tingling feel to me. OMG! he still calls me Mi (Mimi as in mommy or mami) I answered him, surprised. Sige lang maya maya (Okay a little later). I am surprised and happy that he still call me Mi.

My purpose to talk to him vanished into thin air. I can't find the words. It felt awkward. I don't want to talk about us since its just our first time to meet. Though we sat in the same couch, his near to me, our shoulders and arms rubbed; the courage to talk was gone. I want to kiss him and hug him but I am afraid that he might send me away turn me away whatever. But I am glad that he is well and still good looking. He has a new hairstyle and a tattoo in his left ankle, I love it! :)

Then we, along with him, went to Lolo's (his Grand father) house, just a few steps from their home. Lolo and Tito Junee and their dogs, Cyrus and Cyrah greeted us. They are all happy to see us specially Sophie who is a Mama Cristy look alike. They all agree that Sophie look like Mama Cristy even I agreed to that, too. Tito Junee offered us some peaches in syrup. Since he is looking after Sophie, who is busy playing with the dogs, I assigned myself to give him some peaches. I fed him like a baby and I'm like so kilig, (a feeling that your heart jump in and out of your chest or you saw your crush something like that) and I'm biting my lips Haha! Gawd!

After few minutes and talks, we went back to their home. The father and daughter continue to play with the toys they have at home (Kuya Dave collects toys, he collects toy cars and its parts) and Doc McStuffin's play doctor set I brought. Tita Evelyn came in then hand me over a piece of paper with a telephone number on it. She said it's Tito Tolits (one of his uncles) number at his office and I should call it. So I dialed it, then a girl (office staff) answered the phone then handed it over to Tito Tolits.

ME: Hello Tito, I said with nervous smile on my face.

TITO TOLITS: Oh kamusta ka na? Kamusta na kayo ni Sophie? (How are you? How's Sophie)

ME: Eto ok lang po ako, ok lang din Si Sophie malaki na. (I'm good Tito and so is Sophie. She's a grown kid)

TITO TOLITS: Bigla kang nawala sa Facebook. (You disappeared in Facebook)

ME: Alam nyo na po kung bakit ako nawala kasi kahit papano gusto ko po makalimot kaya ko nagawa yun kaso hindi ko po kaya. (You know the reason why I got out. I want to at least moved on, but I can't)

TITO TOLITS: Wag ganun ah. Dapat intact tayo. 'Wag i-cut yung communication. Maliit lang family natin. Ano?! Ok na kayo?(Don't do it again. We should be intact. Don't cut the communication. We only have a small family. What now? Are you two, ok?)

This question almost made me cry but I laughed it out

ME: Hahaha Hindi ko po alam. (hahaha. I don't know)

TITO TOLITS: Nag-usap na kayo? (Have you two talked?)

ME: Hindi pa po. (Not yet)

I think he can sense that I was about to cry 'cause my voice is getting coarse. So he change our conversation.

TITO TOLITS: Oh basta wag i-cut communication ah. (Just don't cut the communication ah)

ME: Opo, Tito. (Yes, tito)

TITO TOLITS: Kunin ko nga number mo? (Can I have your number?)

ME: Ay sige po (Sure Tito) 0905*******

TITO TOLITS: Punta kayo dito ni Sophie. Sama mo si _________. (Go here with Sophie. And _____ too)

ME: Sige po. Ay ewan ko po kung gusto nya. I look to him. Kausapin nyo po sya? (Yes tito I will. I don't know about him if he want to. You want to talk to him?)

I handed over the phone to him then they talk.

He asked me, Ano punta tayo mamaya Megamall?(Let's go Megamall later?) I answered him, Ok lang go ako, ikaw? (It's ok, I'm good. You?) End of our conversation.

Though the conversation felt a little cold for me, when he asked me, my heart stopped and felt joy that he talk to me.

The father and daughter and Kuya Dave continue to play while me talking to Papa Ben and Tin-Tin. Times past, he stood up and went to me.. Mi ligo lang ako (Mi, I'll just take a bath) (Shit! Another Mi again) We are preparing to go the mall. While he is taking a bath, I'm fixing Sophie's stuff. Tin-tin gave Sophie a small bolster pillow with Pringles print and pink sneakers.

Then he went out then I told him to fit the shirt I gave him, well.. it fits! I still know his size. :)

We got out of the house. His titos and tita went out too to bid goodbye and they told me to make the visits frequent and I answered them back, Ok po.. Then some pictures were taken - family picture that is. He carried Sophie while me in front of him. I am waiting for his hand to be placed in my shoulder (our usual pose) but unfortunately for that picture, no. Nothing. Felt disappointed.

Tito Obet gave us a ride to the near neighbor village where we can easily ride a cab going to the mall. We sit together while I sat Sophie on my lap. Again, we are close to each other. Arms rubbed. Right side of my chest is close to his left arm and my right hand on his left leg. Still, no words came out. I rest my head on his shoulder but I got no reaction. Then we arrived at the front gate of the neighbor village, then bid goodbye to Tito Obet. After few minutes of waiting, a cab arrived. We sat next to each other. Same scene in Tito Obet's jeep. I got no reaction. Stone cold.

Then we arrived in SM Megamall. We, three, walk like a normal family. He held Sophie's left hand while me on the right. We immediately went to Tito Tolits' store that he manages. Tito Tolits saw Sophie and carry him all the way to the restaurant where we are going to dine. Me and him left at the back of Tito Tolits and Sophie. I want to hold his hands but fear sets in again. Fear that I will be rejected so I just keep it to myself.

On the way to the resto, Sophie saw a candy stall. Tito Tolits ask Sophie want she wants. Then Sophie point her fingers to a dozen of eggs with candies and toys inside. At the Cajun Red Rock restaurant, Sophie and I sit together and then Tito Tolits and him.

Ate my humongous burger and plenty fries and bottomless iced tea. Phew! Super full. Sophie got spaghetti, chicken fingers and fries but Sophie didn't finish her meal so we just take it home. Tito Tolits and him got burger and fries and bottomless iced tea too. Thanks for the merienda (snacks) and for Sophie's cash, Tito Tolits! hehehe :)

We have a lovely meal but we have to say good bye..Tito Tolits went back to his store. Him and I thanked Tito for the time and merienda. Then the three of us walk to the cab terminal. He accompany us until we got off. Sophie and I kissed him good bye and told him to take care then he walk off without turning looking back at us like a last glance before we go or he go.

That encounter was nerve-wracking, mind-boggling, and body shaking.

From the big leap I did, I don't where will it go. I don't know how he will go about it. All I know is that I am happy because I saw him that he is fine physically. Emotionally speaking, that I don't know. Hopeful because I still believe that we are going to end up together. Time can only tell.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I still love him despite of what happened. I am still holding on to him. The one that made me feel that I am loved and capable to love. As of this writing time, I will still understand, wait and love him tirelessly.