A friend of friend of mine since college sent me a message after she saw that I am posting about a girl crush in Facebook. So we had a chit chat about it and from there we rekindled the friendship we had in our way back in our college days.
We call a lot, we text a lot until we slept with phones on our hands and ears. I did tell her the girl in my office. We even joke about getting the girl jealous to see if the girl got something to me. So she's like courting me. We watched movie. Dine out. Drink. Exchange of gifts and the rest was history.
One fateful day, June 19, she told me that she love me and I answer her back with I love you too. So it became us. At first, I answer her for the sake of answering her so as to not to make her feel mortify. At first, I don't feel her. I don't liker her because she was not my type. But after all the moments we had and time changed, I fell for her. Knocked out as she said to me. So I treated her the special way possible. Fetch her from work, drive her home, call, text, and tell her I love her. Every moments with her were all first time.
Just like any couple, we've been through fights and misunderstandings but we make sure we settled it before we go to sleep.
I realized I love this kind. I want to make it last. I am really into her. I love her.
But there are things not meant to last.
After a month of love and happiness I felt, she decided to call it quits. I'm shocked so I told her to take a breather to think about things, to think about us. But she insisted to stop everything. Just a quick history during the course of a month stint relationship, we had serious talk about what she really is, that she is numb to love, afraid of commitment. She even told me that at first she felt excited and challenged to me because she knew she wasn't my type so she do all the things to, you know, get me. But after she caught me, as she said, excitement is lost. We had this kind of talk twice but the third time is the final and last. Because I love her that much, I shake it all off to start a new. But then, everything between us ended.
She gave me reasons why she want it to stop. 1. We can last as friends not as partners. 2 She doesn't want to be unfair to me. 3 It's not you, it's me. And so on and so forth. Those are the mains.
After that, I shut all the communications we had. I don't answer her call. I don't reply to her messages. Unfollow and unfriend in social media. I ignore her.
She want to talk to me badly. She got help from her friend. Her friend texted me telling that I'm ignoring the texts and not answering the calls. Just checking if I am ok, etc.
After a week of cold war, we talked again because her stubbornness and insisting that she would help me moved on with her so I agree to her. I want to get away from her. I want time. I want space. Away from her. But she is so insisting! It kinda freaked me out!
She asked me to go with her and a common friend to talk and got some drink. So I saw her the first time after our break up, it felt awkward and more painful. Yes there are moments that I am just quiet listening to them. Then we went to a bar to get a few drinks. It is so obvious that I am in a breakup. I drink a lot and drink fast. I got wasted after a one shot of mixed alcohol on flames. Then the three of us went to her home. Yeah wasted and all. Something happened between us. You know what I mean :) . She let me. Ex with benefits is my peg. Together but no commitment. Hard.. so hard on my part. I haven't moved on and yet another situation I sink into again.
And so we continue to be in that set up from that moment on. Until one day, after an event we both attended, I decided to shut her off my system. I blocked her from my phone. I lay low from the group we both belong to. I have to make drastic moves to get over her because it's tearing me apart.
As of this writing time, slowly, I am moving on. I am getting back to loving myself and ready to love again. We started as friends and we can be again but in due time. We cannot push the luck or insist it, only time can tell and only time can heal all the wounds.
According to an article I read given by my boss here in HR (credit to the writer of this article), it's ok that I still love my ex and I am going to love again. That partner of ours bring out the best in us. Yes we still love them and it is painful it demands to be felt but we have to accept it and let go of the shame and guilt to be able to to create a relationship and life with someone like that again (credit to the owner).
Comments
Post a Comment